WeightLoss Journal

Starting Over

2006-07-06T14:59:00.000-07:00

Ok I know I have not been active here, well thats gonna change...

I have lost what little self esteem I had and I am always ashamed of how I look.

I know I have gained more weight, the steroids really screwed me up this time, I had to take them for some series medical problems and everytime I do take them I gain weight, bloat and just feel straight depressed...

When it all starts to effect my every moment I know I have hit rock bottom. I hold back in sex, ashamed of how I look...I wear very baggy clothes and have been buying them way to large for myself trying to hide in them, I walk with my head down and feel like a circus freak...I have become a freak in my own mind...I have always had a warped sence of self, only now I am at a place that scares me...I was here before, I weighed 76 pounds at 16 and still felt fat, I never ate, I worked out non stop...I don't want to go there, and the more depressed I have gotten the more I have eaten...so I am going to do this right, I will set a time for myself that I will not eat after...I will ount calories and I am going to start a nice simple workout so I don't do any damage to my already shot joints lol...

Well wish me luck n my new journey, and lets hope I can get out of this funk soon...

Shit happens right

2006-02-01T23:08:00.000-08:00

well I have had a draw back, since I have been sick I have not lost any weight...and with the pain my exercises have been less than they should...it will all change...I swear

Holidays are over...

2006-01-03T15:42:00.000-08:00

Now I can get back to where I need to be...I have a long way to go, but I am slowly getting there...

I will get down to 130 sooner or later lol I just need to be patient and to keep looking ahead...

I am back

2005-12-28T19:50:00.000-08:00

I am back, and I am so so lost its not even funny...

I am at the same weight, and trying to get motivated is impossible, especially when you hate who you are, there is no motivation in that...

So I have asked my daughter to walk with me everyday just so I can get away for a bit, and have time with her...I have been doing my exercises everyday, but sometimes my pain is to much, this would all be so much easier if I were healthy...

I want to loose 30 pounds by April...I want to look damn good for Ken on his birthday, I want to be able to wear something skimpy and knock his socks off, to be ok with who I am, not worry about it, so I am kicking it into over drive...

I will continue to update :o)

Hate

2005-10-19T18:35:00.000-07:00

I hate what I look like, I hate how I feel, I am so disgusted by myself that its destroying me inside...

I went to fashion bug today to try and find a nice outfit to wear to Kens race banquet and everything I tried on made me get more and more depressed, I was in tears, my poor baby kept telling me I was beautiful and that she loved me, I smiled and gave her a hug and we left...

I look in the mirror and my heart breaks at what I see a huge fat monster that disgusts me :(

Too Long

2005-08-11T19:24:00.000-07:00

No I haven't lost weight, I am trying, honestly...I am depressed and when I look in the mirror I hate the person whos looking back at me...I hate her with all I am

Ok

2005-06-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

Well I have lost 5 pds...not alot, but a start...I try to work out every morning, not alot lol but some...I want to be more active, I want to be healthier...lol I want to much I know :o)

But I do 50 leg lifts each leg to help with my joint problems and I do 15 sit ups...but then I run all around the house trying to make the dog and cat chase me lol...that way they don't attack me to bad...I do as many jumping jacks as I can before my dog tackles me...and me and Ashley have been sweating to the oldies, I think we laugh more than exercise, but its all fun lol...we are going to start walking every evening togather, our time...she loves that...well we will take the dog as well to be safer lol...well thats how I am doing...I will write more later :o)

Pretty Good

2005-06-05T21:51:00.000-07:00

I did pretty good while I was away babysitting, had a little sweets lol but nothing major...Ok lets start with the days.

Thursday: I didn't eat until diner and we had kentucky friend chicken, I had popcorn chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy and some mac and cheese lol...I also had a granola bar

Friday: I had some mac and cheese for lunch and then for diner we had green ebans and pasta (kens dad cooked) I also had a granola bars

Saturday we had a house full of kids, I didn't eat until we went to cold stones (yes I know bad me lol) I got some ice cream and I ate a little, then for diner I had a chilli dog, I also had a snickers, well half of one anyways...

Sunday: today I ate my ice cream, and then had potatoes a' grauten or however you spell it...and some pretzels

so see I did pretty good, but I didn't get any exercise, I was either in a car driving or sitting with the kids, so I was lazy :( but I will continue to work at it.

I want to loose 10 pounds in a month, lol realistic, probably not, but I am going to work at it hard, July first we are going camping and I want to look good, I want to wear my shorts without being ashamed. I am so tired, so I am hoping if I continue to exercise that I will be able to sleep at night, I take tons of pills, its crazy, but I am also taking Ambien for sleep, and it doesn't work at all, well I am really tired so I am going to go rest lol later :)

Ahhhh the memorial day weekend

2005-05-31T15:38:00.000-07:00

Well I didn't eat much but I had alot of Pepsi's lol...its been very hot and I have not felt well, I know its no exscuse, yet there it is...Friday we had tortilinis for diner, I didn't eat much...and I had some candy after wards...then Saturday we had left over tortilins for lunch them clam chowder for diner, the killer in that for me is I had 3 pieces of white bread with my soup, then I had some candy, 2 pieces of hersheys nuggets...Monday we had McDonalds I had a quarter pounder and some fries, I ate almost all of it :( then we had a hamburger from home for diner lol, I had a Mr. Goodbar...I should also mention I have some stomach problems, the docs have yet to find the cause so I get sick often and don't always hold it down, that happend after both meals on Monday and after diner Sunday blah...my biggest weakness is I crave salt, I am often dehydrated severly so, and in my craving I usually eat sunflower seeds, now I have no idea how much a person can gain from them...that could be a big thing for me, I have 3 bags a month...yikes...I want to get down to a size 8, thats relistic isn't it? I mean I am a size 14 now, I am not expecting a size 2 lol (man would tht be cool) just to be back in shape, I am going to start walking every day in the evening...Ashley and I can take the dogs to the school and walk...me her and Ken have done this a few times, I walk alot everyday, I walk ash to school go get her and play around with her...so it equals up, but its just not enough, I am also doing leg lifts and jumping jacks and sit ups in the morning, not on weekends because Ken is here and I am not going to do that in front of him lol...but I promise to keep it up. I hate what I weigh, I also hate the way the weight shows on me, my big ass and stomach...when I had Ashley I got stretch marks from hell (ken calls them pleasure highways lol) and I hate them, I am way way self concious of them...and I have a lump in my belly from my last surgery that makes everything look even worse, I am bound and determined to get this weight off somehow lol, I am also going to do alot of swimming, whis=ch is good for me since I have a very bad knee lol...well today is not a good day because I feel awful, I think I caught a cold, so far today I have eaten some home made nachos lol (chips with kraft cheese in the microwave) and thats it, except for my seeds lol...well I am still trying this weightloss journey so I will keep you all informed lol ;)

Day 1

2005-05-26T16:44:00.000-07:00

I am going to start a weightloss journey and I wanted to write about it so I could see my progress or/and my mistakes...

Today will be my first day and I am going to pledge to start doing alot more exercise and to lose 10 pounds in a month, sounds hard to do, but I need to do this. I am depressed and sad all the time, I am burried in self hate and I need to find away out. I am not saying that by being thin I will magically become happy, I am saying I need to lose weight to be healthy, to be able to live the life I want. I want to be able to look in a mirror and not hate the reflection, I want to be able to try on clothes without going into a full blown anxiety attack. I need to regain control of my life, to change not only my eating habbits but to change my lifestyle.

I am a 29 year old mom to a wonderful 10 year old little girl, I have always been very active with her till this past year, I have had numerous surgical procedures while the doctors were trying to figure out what was wrong with me, they have yet to figure it out. But I lost alot when I gained the weight, I lost the desire to go outside and play, I am afraid people are looking at me and thinking how gross I look, I hate to wear anything reveling, I am afraid people will do the ewwww thing that I see them do to others. I am scared for my health, but I am also sad that I have lost a part of me, I lost the crazy girl who rollar bladed every day, who climbed the trees with her daughter, who ran forever with her dogs, so in this weightloss journey I am going to try to find all the pieces of myself I have lost. I am a size 14 right now and my goal size is a size 8, so yes I have a long way to go...

I know my biggest hurdles are going to be going without sodas or at least cutting back big time, as it is now I probably have 4 a day or more, I am going to cut back to 2 for now, I know that sounds like alot, but for me its going to make a big difference. I am also going to research the best vitamins to help me out with my health and change alot of my eating habits. I am a sucker for salt, and in all my research salt is pretty bad for alot of my medical problems, I am also going to cut back on fast food out and the fast food in...I am always just microwaving something or ordering, this will also help...I am also going to start listing something everyday that I am proud about myself for, wheather its a dead or a feature, it will help with my low selfesteem...

I am also going to take some time everyday to just sit and be quiet, some might say meditate, but nah I just want to take 10 min a day to just sit alone and be quiet, and truelly relax. I am also going to strat taking my sleeping pills in order to get real sleep, my insomnia is getting worse and I know that has alot to do on my lack of energy.

I know I have alot of work ahead of me, but I also know that I can do this, that I am capable of setting goals for myself and achieving them. Some of my posts will be pretty dark, as I have alot of dark thoughts inside myself, some will be pure joy as I see small strides in my journey...I am confident at this point(might not be tomorrow) that I can do this, and I hope that I will be able to get some help from my family and friends, I know Ashley will help, she loves to go for long walks with me, and I know Ken will support me, now I just need to get my mom to stay off my back lol...anyways welcome to my journey of self discovery and happiness...buckle up because this may be a wild ride..

Carie