Starting Over

Ok I know I have not been active here, well thats gonna change...

I have lost what little self esteem I had and I am always ashamed of how I look.

I know I have gained more weight, the steroids really screwed me up this time, I had to take them for some series medical problems and everytime I do take them I gain weight, bloat and just feel straight depressed...

When it all starts to effect my every moment I know I have hit rock bottom. I hold back in sex, ashamed of how I look...I wear very baggy clothes and have been buying them way to large for myself trying to hide in them, I walk with my head down and feel like a circus freak...I have become a freak in my own mind...I have always had a warped sence of self, only now I am at a place that scares me...I was here before, I weighed 76 pounds at 16 and still felt fat, I never ate, I worked out non stop...I don't want to go there, and the more depressed I have gotten the more I have eaten...so I am going to do this right, I will set a time for myself that I will not eat after...I will ount calories and I am going to start a nice simple workout so I don't do any damage to my already shot joints lol...

Well wish me luck n my new journey, and lets hope I can get out of this funk soon...

Shit happens right

well I have had a draw back, since I have been sick I have not lost any weight...and with the pain my exercises have been less than they should...it will all change...I swear

Holidays are over...

Now I can get back to where I need to be...I have a long way to go, but I am slowly getting there...

I will get down to 130 sooner or later lol I just need to be patient and to keep looking ahead...

I am back

I am back, and I am so so lost its not even funny...

I am at the same weight, and trying to get motivated is impossible, especially when you hate who you are, there is no motivation in that...

So I have asked my daughter to walk with me everyday just so I can get away for a bit, and have time with her...I have been doing my exercises everyday, but sometimes my pain is to much, this would all be so much easier if I were healthy...

I want to loose 30 pounds by April...I want to look damn good for Ken on his birthday, I want to be able to wear something skimpy and knock his socks off, to be ok with who I am, not worry about it, so I am kicking it into over drive...

I will continue to update :o)

Hate

I hate what I look like, I hate how I feel, I am so disgusted by myself that its destroying me inside...

I went to fashion bug today to try and find a nice outfit to wear to Kens race banquet and everything I tried on made me get more and more depressed, I was in tears, my poor baby kept telling me I was beautiful and that she loved me, I smiled and gave her a hug and we left...

I look in the mirror and my heart breaks at what I see a huge fat monster that disgusts me :(

Too Long

No I haven't lost weight, I am trying, honestly...I am depressed and when I look in the mirror I hate the person whos looking back at me...I hate her with all I am

Ok

Well I have lost 5 pds...not alot, but a start...I try to work out every morning, not alot lol but some...I want to be more active, I want to be healthier...lol I want to much I know :o)

But I do 50 leg lifts each leg to help with my joint problems and I do 15 sit ups...but then I run all around the house trying to make the dog and cat chase me lol...that way they don't attack me to bad...I do as many jumping jacks as I can before my dog tackles me...and me and Ashley have been sweating to the oldies, I think we laugh more than exercise, but its all fun lol...we are going to start walking every evening togather, our time...she loves that...well we will take the dog as well to be safer lol...well thats how I am doing...I will write more later :o)